This is a word that has hung over my head for a very long time. I live my life in fear of it and make decision about my life based on it. I am so afraid of failing that most of the time I don’t go for things that I really want. I also put rejection in the same category as failure which keeps me from asking people things and from meeting new people. It’s sad and kind of lame.
I told Page a few weeks ago that I felt like he could do great things in this world and then he asked me if I felt the same about myself and I said no. He told me that was the stupidest thing I have ever said. But to be honest it’s true. Talking to him yesterday as we sat at the fire town spending time together before he moves, he spent a lot of time telling me that he could see me doing amazing things and I couldn’t make myself believe it. I think I will fail and because of that I don’t even have the guts to try. I don’t try to lose weight because I don’t think I can do it. It took me years to quit smoking and I hating telling people I had started back or hadn’t quit. I hate when I feel people are disappointed in me and in my mind it is better to never try then to try and fail. This is something, like many things in my life, I want to change and I started yesterday. It was a very very small step but a step.
I have wanted to meet regularly with my Pastor's wife Kim since pretty much the day I met her. She is an amazing woman of God, an amazing and loving wife, and now a wonderful mother. These are all things that I want to be and I believe the God put her in my life so that I could learn and grow because of our relationship. We have spend a few afternoons together since I have been going to theHeart and I have wanted to ask her to meet many times and have been so afraid of being turned down that I haven’t asked. Until yesterday. I called and talked to her for a while and we talked a lot about failure. She told me about how my pastor, Jason, is never afraid to fail. He tries new things all the time and if they don’t work he never feels like a failure. I told her that I would never put Jason in the category of a failure even though I know of things that he has done that have "failed” and she agreed and said that that is how people would think of me if I tried things and they didn’t work out. Crazy concept.
Anyway, I talked to Kim for a while and finally got up the nerve to ask her if she would want to meet with me regularly while I am still in Boone for the next couple of months. And she said she would love to. It was a really great feeling. I went out on a limb and I didn’t fail. Who knew? J
I know that this will not always be the case at that sometimes I will try things and I won’t get the result I want. And this is something I want to learn to be ok with. I know that it won’t be easy and I know there will be times where I won’t do things because I am afraid but I want to try.
My life is changing now because college is ending and I am going to be in a new place where I need to meet new people and start a new life, something else I am terrified of. I need to live with less fear of failure or rejection and I know that yesterday was a step. I can’t wait to see what I will learn from my time with Kim over the next few months and I can’t wait to try new things and meet new people with less fear of failure.
I know some of you have been waiting for me to blog again and I hope this post gives you a little more insight into this crazy brain of mine. Thanks for reading and caring.
