a life moment

first of all, i would like to say that i NEVER thought that i would have a blog. i don’t feel like anything i have to say is really that interesting and my life is pretty flipping boring if i really think about it. but here i am typing this blog to all my, soon to arrive, adoring fans. if you read this you probably already know and love me so i assume you adore me as well. :) hope this is something you look forward to reading. (hey sees, wouldn’t it be crazy if my blog was the next "matt, liz, and madeline"?? wishful thinking :))

the writing of this blog was sparked by the happening of my life over the past week or so. last saturday i celebrated my 24th birthday. the night before my big change of age i was out with some friends and started to feel a little down. i was thinking about how i don’t really like my life all that much. not that i don’t have good things in it because i very much do but i guess i just don’t like the "me" part of my own life. i decided that i needed to get over myself and have a good birthday weekend with my close friends, which i did. saturday was a great day with some of the most important people in my life and a birthday i will always remember. when i woke up sunday morning i was ready to head to church and enjoy a great day with more people that i love. a huge fight with my best friend, Page, changed all of this. i won’t get into the fight itself i will only get into the way this fight actually brought on the changes i now want to make. i have spent a lot of time over the past few months really not liking the "me" part of my life. i have great friends, an amazing family, and a niece that makes my world a better place. the problem with my life is me. me. me. me. and i have decided that i want very much to change this.

since sunday i have been nothing short of miserable about my life and Page and school and anything else you can name. yesterday as i stood outside on my porch smoking a cigarette (sorry to the people that this will make sad, i just do it occasionally sometimes for some stupid reason. stopping this stupid cycle is part of the change) and i had what i am now referring to as a life moment. all the sudden i had this amazing smack of clarity. i proceeded to run inside and tell my roommate all the things that were going through my head. the things i am going to share with you.

i decided that from last night on i want my life to be different. for many months now i have been miserable on the inside and really not liked myself inside or out. this changed last night. i have decided that i want to eat less, drink less, stop even having an occasional cigarette, work out more, have better relationships, keep my room cleaner, do better in school, treat people better, take my life more seriously, be happier, be kinder, have better language, read my bible more, be more involved in my church, pray more, seek God more, worry less, be a better version of myself, among many other things. i had a life moment that i am sure many people have had before because it seems so simple yet it is very hard. i just want to be better. i want to feel better, look better, act better, just be better. while i was standing on my porch last night thinking about Page and where we are right now and how miserable i was i just said to myself "self, this is stupid!" if i want to be happier and do more with my life then I need to do everything i can to be happier and do more with my life. so that is my plan from here on out. if i want to be a good partner, friend, person then i have to start by working on myself.

i hope this all doesn’t seem too vague or random and that if you read this you will feel lead to hold me accountable to the things i am saying here. if you feel like randomly calling me up or emailing me one day to see how i am doing on this new adventure please do so. if anything it will help me know that you are on my side. i will end this first entry by typing word for word what i told my roommate last night after my life moment. for me this really encompasses what this whole change is about. "I want to stop bitching about my life all the time and never doing anything about it."